This is something I did in class on Thursday, excuse any mistakes, I’ll get round to them in my final draft and yes I know its too long, I'll work on that too.
This is intended as an anime episode, not manga:
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Gintama: The Final Episode, Accepted by Many.
Gintama: The Final Episode, Accepted by Many.
“Doof Doof Doof”, Gintama wakes to a violent knocking at the door
“Gyaaah, who’s pounding at my door this early in the morning?“, “What a pain, Kagura?”
Silence,
“Kagura!”
More silence.
The knocking returns, slightly louder this time,
“..KAGURAAA!”
“WHAT!?”
“Get the door you lazy idiot!”
Neither notice Shinpachi get up and head towards the door, they are too busy fighting.
Shinpachi opens the door to see a Sunrise company official towering above him with a less than amused look plastered across his face.
Shinpachi’s face fades to white, the white then spreads across the rest of his body as he become a crude pencil sketch of himself.
The official mutters words of disgust to himself, Shinpachi hears nothing.
Shinpachi snaps back to reality and quickly starts talking,
“I’m sorry, I tried, I really did but before I knew what was happening Gintoki had already set fire to the..”
“That's not why I’m here interrupted the official”
“Of course, I mean, I’m sorry that Kagura attacked the last..”
“That's not why I’m here either!”
“You mean the incident with the boat and the chainsaw?”
“NO SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK!”
Shinpachi stands shocked,
“I’m here to remind you that this show is being taken off the air today and that your timeslot has been given to the show ‘Naruto’, of course you already know this from the multiple warnings we have sent you?”
The official looks back at Shinpachi’s empty face,
“llletters?” Shinpachi replies
“I am a very busy man, you have received more than enough warning, in fact, from henceforth you have 10 minutes to clear your belongings before this show legally becomes Naruto.”
The official turns and leaves, Shinpachi stands frozen and turns around to Gintoki and Kagura who are deep in a wrestling match in the now destroyed living room, Gintoki stops and looks at him casually over the choke hold he has on Kagura,
“What’s wrong Otaku?”
Shinpachi erupts into a fit of rage and leaps into the wrestle landing a square punch in the face of both Gintoki and Kagura.
The group fight until there is very little left still standing in the room.
After about 10 minutes they become tired and stop fighting, all three lay on the floor panting,
“I’ve almost forgotten why we even started this fight, also, Shinpachi, what did you have to do with all this?
Letters, letters! Shinpachi pants,
Letters? Gintoki pants back,
Yes letters! What happened to all the letters from Sunrise sent us?
Kagura butts in, suddenly on her feet not looking the slightest bit tired
“They didn't look important, so I used them to light the fire”
#Cut away of Shinpachi’s face exploding#
Interrupted by Gintama,
“What!? We don’t even have a fireplace!”
#Flashback of Kagura lighting a bonfire in the middle of the living room, she picks up a letter from a pile by her side, across it in big red letters reads “IMPORTANT” and another of the same description, then casually drops them on the fire. She picks up another, a yellow envelope addressed to Gintama covered in hearts and throws it on the fire, then picks up a third addressed to Shinpachi, the words “Family Bereavement” written across it, she again drops it on the fire.#
“The man at the door was an official from Sunrise, he said that in 10 minutes our show is being taken of the air, I saw it coming but to that that stupid yellow haired kid?” Shinpachi sighs.
“How long were you two fist fighting for? “Kagura asks through a mouthful of pickled Sukonbu.
The three all stop in thought as the back of the room they are sitting in is removed by a sunrise employee revealing the main high street of Konoha.
Shinpachi notices, he screams and points, Gintoki turns around and screams similarly.
Gintoki and Shinpachi both stand and walk towards the set as another wall is taken down by Uzumaki Naruto displaying the Ichiraku Ramen shop.
Gintoki turns around,
“Ka..”
He notices that Kagura is no longer there.
Characters from Naruto start to walk around carrying lights and props, in walks Naruto carrying a large light and another carrying a wooden tree, 3 more walk in carrying between them a large statue of Naruto smiling avidly.
Various amounts of Naruto stay on screen hammering walls and placing scenery.
Gintoki runs over to one of the Naruto’s hammering at a tree and grabs him
“Oi! Stop hammering, this is my show; take your shadow clones and your stupid voice to another time slot!
“This is our show now, believe it!”
“Aaagh” Gintoki covers his ears “Shut up!”
“Never, it’s my way of the ninja, you better believe it!”
“GO AWAY!” Gintoki screams pulling out his wooden sword.
Upon seeing Gintoki draw, Naruto starts weaving seals with his hands, performing various impossible to create shapes, he takes a little while to do so.
“Are you swearing at me or something?”
“Annoying technique!”
There is silence as the two characters stare at each other awkwardly.
Gintama screams,
“Ooooww, ooh man that stinks! You stupid yellow headed freak, why would you do that, if I were some kind of..” Gintoki pauses to think “Stupid dog-man.. thing, I would not be happy right now”
Gintoki crawls away,
“Shinpachi? Shinpachi!.. Kagura?”
Gintoki crawls down the street until he reaches the ramen store again, he see’s two familiar pairs of feet under the blinds, he storms in to see Kagura and Shinpachi wearing Konoha Ninja headbands with their faces in bowls of ramen.
“What are you doing you sell outs, can’t you see where at war here? “He yells “Oi listen to..”
Gintoki is interrupted by the commencement of the Naruto ending theme; the theme is very similar to the original except Kagura and Shinpachi are included.
The episode ends with an episode of Ginpachi-Sensei .
Gintoki stands looking displeased at the front of Naruto’s class at the Konoha ninja academy,
He says nothing..
End
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I would like to include more humour, to keep it true to the anime, but my word count is already way too high.
Any criticisms for my final draft? Constructive criticisms?
More importantly, what can I drop?
I like how you broke the fourth wall - very Gintama-esque (inclusion of the Sunrise employees and the characters' knowledge about Naruto). I'm not very good at critiquing story, but perhaps it's better to write this in a script style? Or maybe keep it in prose.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to establish the setting, too. I'm assuming they're at their residence, though, right?
I agree with Excel here that you may wish to make it into a script. You do seem to like your cutaway action moments, as is the style of anime.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you're really willing to stick with a narrative style, then here are some tips;
- Make sure to keep it in narrative. Don't stray from the basics, and make it so that it flows well.
-For these parts: #Cut away of Shinpachi’s face exploding#, I recommend you make that into a description of their face exploding: "When he heard those words, Shinpachi's face literally exploded in anger." It makes it easier to read, and it keeps the reader reading as well.
-Lastly, remember punctuation, and use it at the right times. This section could do with some work: “Gyaaah, who’s pounding at my door this early in the morning?“, “What a pain, Kagura?”. I suggest identifying the speaker in particular in-between the two pieces of spoken dialogue.
Well, those are a few things I saw. Try not to think too hard about them though, otherwise it might end up too sterile, if you know what I mean.